Zombie Messiah vs Ape Man Revolution

Jesus and Darwin were fighting again by The Searcher

In the beginning God vs The Ultimate Free Lunch

This may look like a celebrity death match on both sides wanting to take out the others head with a Bible or the Origins of Species. Actually, it’s a face-off between competing views that have been throwing mud and mockery to each other for decades in a global derby. This is a no-holds barred UFC main event: Zombie Messiah vs Ape Man Revolution for the World Heavyweight Truth Championship. This time I’ll be Joe Rogan in tonight’s main event.

NOTE: For those sensitive religious bigots and wannabe Dawkins heroes out there, before you guys throw some curse or tomatoes at me, the names Zombie Messiah and Ape Man are just caricatures made by the opposing parties from their respective followers and fan boys. So it’s the caricatures I’m using to fight each other. There’s no way I can call a deity from the sky and a statue from the National History Museum to fight each other. Maybe Dana White can make that fight happen.



Fighting in the red corner: he’s a wood hugger

From: Virgin Islands

Fighting by way of: The Eastern Star

With a professional record of: Infinity


And his opponent…

Fighting in the blue corner: he’s a couch potato

From: time plus matter plus chance

Fighting by way of: Galapagos Island

With a professional record of: Volumes


Referee Big John McCarthy: I want you to fight a good clean fight, no calling of angels and you, no calling of fellow apes and fellow scientists; now, touch gloves, LEEETS GET IT OOOONNN!!!

First Round: Zombie Messiah won the round by fish slap and throwing fish at Ape Man’s head and multiplying it a 12 basketful of fishes in mid-air; flattening Ape Man to the floor. Ape Man lost his tail due to fish bites.

Second Round: Zombie Messiah won the round again by slamming Ape Man’s head with a cross. Ape Man lost all his fangs and was battered beyond belief.

Third Round: Ape Man won the round by ramming Zombie with the HMS Beagle, pressing him to the cage fence. Zombie’s hands and feet are bleeding unreasonably.

Fourth Round: Ape Man won the round by Gorilla ground and pound. Zombie is a mess.

Fifth Round:

Both are swinging hard and throwing bombs. Zombie with his storm calming punches that can raise the dead and Ape Man’s evolutionary head kick that can turn dinosaurs to chicken. Zombie got caught with Ape Man’s evolution kick and sent flying across the cage like a dove hit by a casserole, but Zombie recovered albeit wobbly feet and responded an earth crashing takedown with a Jacob’s hold wrestling move that pinned Ape Man down on the floor crying like a baby.

After three minutes of tactical ground game, Ape Man’s Orangutan Jui-Jitsu mastery finally caught Zombie’s head in a triangle choke and almost decapitating Zombie’s head, but Zombie lifted up Ape Man in the air and body slammed Ape Man with a crushing blow that could be heard throughout the universe. Ape Man was temporarily knocked out, but survived the next heavenly onslaught.

Eventually after standing on their feet, both fighters were swinging wild shots until Zombie landed a devastating uppercut on Ape Man’s jaw while Zombie got caught on the temple by Ape Man with a bone breaking right hook. Both men or beings slumped on the floor with 2 seconds remaining on the clock.

Judges score card: Because both fighters were knocked out at the same time and did not recover for a full 2 minutes that prompted the referee to stop the fight; it was ruled a NO CONTEST!

The Judges: A big fat smiling guy, a guy with a winged sandal and a guy with a horned helmet.

My post fight analysis:

According to theistic religions (yes there are non-theistic ones e.g. Buddhism) like Christianity, God existed before nothing because before time was, He already existed. He is the beginning and the end. Accepting it as a fact is a matter of faith. “Who made God?” is the biggest question you can throw on this posit, but if God can be made then He is not God; it’s a counter argument which looks more like circular reasoning – if I’m not mistaken.

According to Science (Quantum theory and Heisenberg’s unknown principle) – the universe came from nothing (the ultimate free lunch) and everything existed due to an inflation produced by a super tiny energy of the false vacuum. It was this energy that caused the inflation in a zero-energy universe that led to the creation of this universe that we know and live. What caused the energy to produce the inflation and what was before this energy? According to Science, that prime energy which is the cause of inflation (positive negative) came from nothing. Science admitted this view as a speculative hypothesis.

To be honest, both explanations of the origins of existence or universe are quite hard to imagine or swallow. God who has no beginning is as perplexing and mind boggling as to that of an energy that came from nothing, but both views would discredit each other. Theistic thought would state that God is more or beyond energy, time and space while Atheistic Science will insist that energy already existed in a zero-energy godless universe.

So if it is beyond reason:

Take it by faith until Christ come’s back or mark it as unknown until Science discovers something.

Ape people think that Zombie worshipers are blind, dumb, crazy, stupid fools and holier than thou fanatics.

Zombie worshippers think that Ape people are mad, bitter, immoral and foul mouthed disrespecting bastards.

I really think both sides are wasting their time spitting to each other’s faces.

I won’t mind if some guy believes and tries to convince me that the universe is made in China and Megan Fox is a man. I may argue that he’s dead wrong beyond repair, but that doesn’t make him or me subhuman.

My Conclusion:

If it is so hard for people to believe in a God of the gaps who came out from nothing then I guess the same can be said on Energy that comes from nothing; as if the universe spontaneously existed out of nowhere like an egg sprouting in the middle of a space vacuum. Perhaps, the only fundamental difference is that God is all knowing and the universe does not know itself.

Then again, one can interchange the other like God doesn’t know Himself, while the universe is fully aware of its existence because it has an impersonal asexual intelligence; or maybe having a different level of emotion way beyond our capacity to understand, which we might deem its love for us as to be non-existent.

You know what’s the shocking irony to all of these? Death, because only death can verify each claim by either: a beam of light at the end of the tunnel or an eerie silence of black and nothingness.

If or when Christ comes back as promised then the party is over, but if the Messiah does not appear from the sky until Science discovers time travel then the prayer meetings are over.

Oh and I’m a Zombie believer, sorry.

So, why I believe in Jesus (Jewish Zombie according to unbelievers)? My reason for believing is the same reason why Ape people embraced a scientific speculation that energy comes from nothing and make their reasons sound nerdy cool.

I know it’s not a super scientific fool proof evidence for the existence of God, but why bother when any person can be adamant that Britney Spears sings better than Whitney Houston. For an atheist, I could be that person. “Britney?” “Oh come on!?” “Katy is way better!” and it goes on and on.

For the meantime, little zombies’ vs chimpanzees continues…

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